BMWs
Where I live, people who drive BMWs are a**holes. I'm sure BMW makes wonderful automobiles, and maybe some really reasonable people actually do drive them, but you couldn't prove it by me. With that in mind, here are some of my thoughts about people who drive BMWs (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy):
If you're the kind of guy who likes to go 60 mph between stop signs in residential neighborhoods...you just might be driving a BMW.
If you think that signs that read "Handicapped Parking Only" are really saying "Park here because it's close"...you just might be driving a BMW.
If you actually believe that everyone's jealous of you and your precious car...you just might be driving a BMW.
If #1 on your speed dial rings up a skinhead named Hans who works for Helmut's Bavarian Autohaus and knows your car's engine inside and out because he has to service it every other week...you just might be driving a BMW.
If you're a really ugly girl whose daddy bought her a new car for her 16th birthday, and a new car for high school graduation, and a new car for college graduation, and you have a boyfriend whom you don't really like much and you think he doesn't really like you much but for some reason he still hangs around and he LOVES to use your car...you just might be driving a BMW.
If you consider pedestrians to be pylons...you just might be driving a BMW.
If you had to show the automobile dealer the big red "A" on your driver's license that stands for A**HOLE before they'd sell you a car...you just might be driving a BMW.
If everybody in front of you just drives too damn slow ALL the time...you just might be driving a BMW.
If you like 4-way stop signs because that means everybody else has to stop except you...you just might be driving a BMW.
If you have no job, and you still live with your parents, yet you still manage to swing that $1200 a month car payment and however much you paid for those stupid rims...you just might be driving a BMW.
If your idea of multitasking is talking on a cell phone, fixing your hair in the mirror, adjusting the volume on the CD player, looking for chicks, and pretending you're in a car commercial-- all while tailgating someone in the right lane so that you can save 13.7 seconds on your precious commute time...you just might be driving a BMW.
If you've been a loser all of your life and you're stupid enough to think that girls will like you now because of your car...you just might be driving a BMW.
If you're the kind of guy who likes to go 60 mph between stop signs in residential neighborhoods...you just might be driving a BMW.
If you think that signs that read "Handicapped Parking Only" are really saying "Park here because it's close"...you just might be driving a BMW.
If you actually believe that everyone's jealous of you and your precious car...you just might be driving a BMW.
If #1 on your speed dial rings up a skinhead named Hans who works for Helmut's Bavarian Autohaus and knows your car's engine inside and out because he has to service it every other week...you just might be driving a BMW.
If you're a really ugly girl whose daddy bought her a new car for her 16th birthday, and a new car for high school graduation, and a new car for college graduation, and you have a boyfriend whom you don't really like much and you think he doesn't really like you much but for some reason he still hangs around and he LOVES to use your car...you just might be driving a BMW.
If you consider pedestrians to be pylons...you just might be driving a BMW.
If you had to show the automobile dealer the big red "A" on your driver's license that stands for A**HOLE before they'd sell you a car...you just might be driving a BMW.
If everybody in front of you just drives too damn slow ALL the time...you just might be driving a BMW.
If you like 4-way stop signs because that means everybody else has to stop except you...you just might be driving a BMW.
If you have no job, and you still live with your parents, yet you still manage to swing that $1200 a month car payment and however much you paid for those stupid rims...you just might be driving a BMW.
If your idea of multitasking is talking on a cell phone, fixing your hair in the mirror, adjusting the volume on the CD player, looking for chicks, and pretending you're in a car commercial-- all while tailgating someone in the right lane so that you can save 13.7 seconds on your precious commute time...you just might be driving a BMW.
If you've been a loser all of your life and you're stupid enough to think that girls will like you now because of your car...you just might be driving a BMW.
posted by Shnookylangston at 5:26 PM
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