Never Did Learn To Play No Chords

When I read the newspaper these days, I am often reminded of Steve Martin's character in the movie "Roxanne" (a wonderful movie) when he walks down the street and puts a quarter in the newspaper rack, reads the headlines and gasps, and puts another quarter in the newspaper rack and puts the newspaper back in. I wish it was that easy.

You know who I just can't figure out? Carlos Santana. Here's a guy who's had his own band under his own name for almost 40 years. He doesn't sing, and he doesn't write the songs. His job, which has brought him international stardom, is simply to noodle on his guitar and play solos. He's used the same overdriven, distorted, Gibson-humbuckers-on-10 guitar sound for all of those 40 years. He's noodled the same single-note licks on every song I've ever heard him play. I'm sure he's a real spiritual guy and all that, but c'mon Carlos. Try a Fender guitar some time. Play something different. Write some lyrics. Sing something. Sheesh.

Speaking of guitar players, I once heard B.B. King say in an interview that he "...never did learn to play no chords." Well, he was not exaggerating. When Ray Charles died, there was a big tribute concert, and B.B. sang and played a solo song--the first time I ever heard him play and sing without a band behind him. He didn't accompany himself on guitar. He would simply sing a phrase without any accompaniment and then noodle a guitar fill after the vocal phrase and then sing another phrase and then noodle another guitar fill, etc. etc. etc. and this was how he did the whole song. It was just like there was a band behind him, but there was no band. Just B.B. singing a song a capella and then noodling blues licks between the vocal phrases. It was very strange. I guess he really "never did learn to play no chords."

I arrogantly decided a while back that I would like to try my hand at writing some short stories. After all, I know good writing when I read it, so it stands to reason that I could just do it myself. Yeah, right. This is like saying I know good music when I hear it, so naturally I can write good music. So I've been reading a book of short stories by Kurt Vonnegut that he wrote in the late 50s and early 60s that were published in various magazines at that time. The book's called "Bogombo Snuffbox." First of all, it reminded me of how much I've always liked Vonnegut's writing. He's funny and insightful and warm and ironic and sardonic and not preachy. Vonnegut's take on humanism and Jesus and evolution goes something like this: "How do humanists feel about Jesus? I say of Jesus as all humanists do, 'Since what he (Jesus) said is good, and so much of it is absolutely beautiful, what does it matter if he was God or not?' " and "Evolution is so creative. That's how we got giraffes." Second of all, this book reminded me that just because I like good writing it doesn't mean I can do it, too. Instead, I think I'll re-read "Sirens of Titan" and "Cat's Cradle" and "Breakfast of Champions." It doesn't get any better than that.

We had a massive power failure in Los Angeles today, and John Gibson on Fox News was practically foaming at the mouth hoping that it was a terrorist attack and/or rioting and looting in the streets. Fox carried a picture of the smokestacks at the refineries in Wilmington which regularly emit a flame as part of the refinery process, and actually captioned it "Fire Burns In Los Angeles." Hey John--Fire burns in Guam and Schenectady and Capetown and Buenos Aires, too. Idiots. The power failure was due to some guy with a backhoe who was working for the Dept. of Power and Water and accidentally severed an underground power line, though the official DWP story is a little more creative. Nonetheless, no terrorists. No rioting. No looting. Sorry to diasppoint you, John.

I think Charles Schulz said it best: "I love mankind. It's people I can't stand."